She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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