Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
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