im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
