loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize