The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
