very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
