He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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