I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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