hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
