k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
