Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I want her autograph on my taint
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
