How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Even my vagina gasped.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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