i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
