he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So apparently I’m into choking now
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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