I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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