I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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