I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
