So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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