I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
