I think I won the penis lottery.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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