I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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