I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
