There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Randomize
