You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize