Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
