Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
