Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
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