Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
