You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I party with great urgency now.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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