Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
