I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
