If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
