Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
