I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
