i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize