these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
