I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
is wine microwaveable?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
