Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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