Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I could have mohawked her pubes.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
