Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
