Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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