I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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