the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
