I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
