2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
