I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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