there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
