It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
