I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize