I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
