i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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