So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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