Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
