May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
