you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm both gender and math confused
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