we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
