Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
