there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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